Free to be Me

When we were young, Marlo Thomas sang to us about accepting each other and our differences. But then we got older and started singing a different tune. We stopped celebrating each other’s life choices and started qualifying them. Is acceptance really such a childish concept or did we have it right all along? When did we stop being free to be you and me?

A Woman's Right to Shoes is my favorite episode of Sex and the City. Pretty sure it always has been. It really has the best quotes and it completely fits how I feel most days. The above quote is from that episode and completely fits how I feel today. Today I went to a wedding of some friends from church. They are a sweet, adorable couple and make the cutest little family (along with her daughter). The ceremony was great and the reception was sweet. Overall it was a good wedding, as far as weddings go.

Let's talk a bit about weddings in general. For a long time I didn't want one, or a husband or any of that stuff. Then just before I turned eighteen and started college I went to a wedding for someone I actually really knew. We went to high school together, she was three years older than me and we'd known each other forever, her brother was my age and she and I danced together when we were little. Oh, I'd been to a couple of weddings for friends in my age group, but this was the first one where there wasn't a baby on the way. :) At any rate I fell in love with the wedding and all things that went with it. The couple was adorable (though looking back now I think they were nuts because they were so young) and the wedding was sweet.

Obsessed was an understatement. Clearly when I went to college I would meet Mr. Right, we would plan our fabulous wedding and the rest would be history.

That didn't happen.

However the summer of 14 weddings did happen. It might not have been 14, but it was close and it felt like 35. Literally everyone I hung out with in college my first couple of years was getting married. It was hard and because of it I started hanging out with other groups, but as the years went on they "coupled" too.

I figured that out of college Mr. Right would magically appear. Though I tried very hard to make any and all relationships turn into the fairytale ending they didn't. A word of advice, if you try to force a relationship to work then it will not work. Trust me, every relationship I have ever been in has been this way and not a one has worked.

So a few really bad relationships, one broken engagement and my thirtieth birthday have brought me to here. I went to a wedding today. At this wedding there was the classic bouquet toss, which I did NOT want to participate in. I have a great life, I love where it is going. I love that I have this crazy plan to move to NYC and take some me time before I run out and change the world. A relationship would ruin that right now and for the first time in my life I am not hunting, searching and begging for a relationship. And I mean that, not just saying it in a reverse psychology type of way. It's as if I hit thirty and my biological clock stopped and said "go have some fun."

So the bouquet toss is about to start and I'm thoroughly enjoying my seat at the back of the room, until the adorable bride sees me and has the DJ call me out. I mean they came and got me. So I go up there and my lovely friends start yelling to the bride that I'm on the right side.

I love my friends. I really love my friends, though what I'm about to write may not show that. This little diatribe frustrated the living crap out of me. I'm sorry that my life has not taken on the same story as yours. Actually that's not true. I'm not sorry at all. I love where my life is. I love what I'm working towards. I love that I have no one to answer to right now. I love that I can sleep in and don't get kept up all night with kids. I love that I don't have to ask if I can go out or go on a vacation. I love that I don't have to look for a babysitter.

I have no judgement against anyone that has chosen this particular lifestyle. That is great for them. I love them for it because when I need to get a baby fix I can call any of them. I respect their lifestyle. I just want them to respect mine. I am single, I am thirty, and I am happy about it. Now back when I was twenty-nine I was single and not happy about it. Something changed the day I turned thirty and I'm glad it did. I want to get married and have a baby, I think. However I do not want to do this any time soon.

All I want right now is for my friends to be okay with the fact that even though they are married and on child one, two or three, I'm not. I do not fit into your plan for life because there is a different plan for my life. There is nothing wrong with the way they choose to life their life and at the same time there is nothing wrong with the way I choose to live mine. I am tired of trying to fit into a life that was not meant for me. I'm tired of doing everything I can to be a part of everyone else's life while many times I sit and watch my own life pass me by.

From now on I am choosing to write the story of MY life and and trust me, it's going to be a good read...

Favorite Places: Number 1

Central Park: The Imagine Mosaic at Strawberry Fields

By far my most favorite place in NYC if not the world. Imagine is my favorite word and the song by John Lennon is one of my favorite songs. I love everything that both stand for. I mean "imagine" it just fills you with a desire to go out and capture your dreams. And the song has such a fabulous message of peace.

The mosaic is a memorial to John Lennon in Central Park. It is near the Dakota where he lived and was killed.

I know exactly where this obsession came from. I was obsessed with Dawson's Creek in high school and early college. In one episode from season 3 Dawson takes down everything in his room and is trying to "find" himself. At the end Joey brings in a poster of John Lennon's self portrait and it says Imagine. The song plays as the episode ends.

Yup, I will own that one. That was when I was eighteen. I haven't really let up since then. I have "imagine" all over my house and my office.

My junior year of college MercyMe came out with I Can Only Imagine and that has all kinds of special meaning to me.

Overall, the Imagine Mosaic at Strawberry Fields is my favorite place in the world.

A Lot Can Change in a Month

That is the understatement of the century! One month ago right about now Becky and I were searching outside the BOK Center trying to find a ticket for me to the NKOTBSB concert. Who knew how that silly little show would change my life!

Okay it might sound crazy to say that a concert changed my life (though I'm not quite certain I'm playing with a full deck these days!). In the days that followed the concert I was sad because I felt like a piece of my childhood was slipping away and I might never see them again. That Thursday we devised a plan to drive to Orlando (only 20 hours) to see them (really wish we'd pulled that one off). Well it didn't happen. However, something changed that night and I started to go off the deep end. We had started following "the boys" on Twitter that week (I know I'm a crappy fan) and they all radiate positivity, which was something my life desperately needed. From the positivity came a lot of changes in my life and in my attitude and in just about everything.

The next week I took off a few days because we were going to try to make the concert in Indy (yeah that didn't happen either). I think I thought that I had this big birthday coming up and I just HAD to get one last adventure in before I turned 30.

To say that I became a Twitter addict (more than before) after all of this is an understatement. What I realized is that so much was happening in NYC and I wanted to be a part of it (not the first time in my life I've felt this way). There was this show going on here and that video premier going on there. I just kept wanting to be in NYC more than I wanted to be where I was. I've had the tendency to use NYC as a place to run away to, which I'm still concerned about, but I don't think that's it.

The night before I turned 30 I started evaluating all the things that I did and didn't do in my twenties and NYC was the one that just kept sticking out. I am amazed at how much support I am getting on this little adventure I'm planning (either they really want me to follow my dreams, they want a couch to crash on, or they want to get rid of me!).

As far as other ways the last month has changed. I am on day 27 of a new fitness regimen that involves me working out before work (CRAZY, I used to get up about 10 minutes before work: 5 to get dressed 5 to drive to work), counting calories (not a first) and working out before bed, and the crazy part: enjoying it. Whether I pull of NYC or not this seems to be sticking and I'm hoping to attain some goals by the time I graduate in May.

Some other highlights of the month: I totally changed what I am going to do for my Masters internship and feel a lot better about it, I started looking at apartments and jobs in NYC and think I might be able to pull this off, and I put in my candidacy forms for graduation this week. I also had a major car issue the day after all this positive thinking, healthy lifestyle started and I managed to keep 100% focused and got my car fixed without having to rely on my parents at all. Another major thing that has changed: my biological clock has stopped. I spent most, if not all, of my twenties ready to get married so I could have a baby. Yeah, not so much any more. Those are still things I want, but I want them later. I have this amazing opportunity to chase a dream I've had almost as long as I can remember and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.

Things seem to be going in the exact right direction. My mind is clearer than it has been in a long time. I feel like I am doing the right thing and I am happy about it (terrified to tell a couple of people though!). I am really happy with exactly where I am in my life and I'm not wanting what others have. I feel like I'm the lucky one that gets to go after her dreams while a lot of friends are stuck at home with husbands and kids. I have always known this was going to be a good year and it is shaping up as just that!

Favorite Places: Number 2

Fifth Avenue and 42nd Street: The New York Public Library



Located next to Bryant Park the New York Public Library is a very close second. I love libraries. My favorite place at my college is this fabulous reading room at the library. I love how quiet and peaceful they are. I love all the books. What's funny is that I never check books out. I mean never. I am a book buyer. I have a library at my house actually.

The New York Public Library is also a gorgeous building and is pretty easy to get lost in. It would be an ideal place to study or write. It also should be mentioned that I want to write a book (hence the blogging constantly) so the Library is perfect. If I am ever published and am lucky enough to have a book that is on the shelves of that beautiful building you better believe there will be a picture of me cheesing it.

I have to mention, of course, that I might love this place a little bit because it's where Carrie's wedding was to take place in Sex and the City: The Movie:

Big and I would be married
in the classic New York landmark...
...that housed all the great love stories.

Favorite Places: Number 3

727 Fifth Avenue: Tiffany and Company



No list of favorite places in NYC would be complete without Tiffany and Company. This is an obsession that I cannot even come close to knowing why I started. I know it happened at some point before I went to NYC the first time, when I was eighteen, but no clue. If I was betting it would be when I decided I was obsessed with weddings and thus engagement rings. Can you really go wrong with that fabulous robin's egg blue box? (Correct answer: NO!)

Favorite Places: Number 4

Broadway

There is little doubt that Broadway plays a huge part as to my reason for loving New York. I grew up doing theatre and have always loved it. I have been a member of my hometown's little theater for 19 years (not to shabby since I'm only 30!). I love live theater, whether it is local or a tour, amateur or professional, high school or college. I love the theater. Broadway is the epicenter of this.

Last Christmas when I was in NYC I was able to go backstage of Promises, Promises and meet up with a close friend's sister, who was in the show. I was in heaven. I would never want to work a show professionally, but it is a hobby and passion that I will always love, whether it is in working the show or just watching.

Favorite Places: Number 5

225 East 60th Street: Serendipity 3

Home of the Frrrrrrrozen Hot Chocolate. I knew I loved this place long before I ever set foot in it. You probably think that I fell for this one because of the movie Serendipity, which would be a great guess since it is my favorite movie, but alas you would be wrong. It was actually featured in One Fine Day years before. Don't get me wrong, Serendipity sealed the deal (especially since I saw it at least three times in theaters including a special preview at my college). It is just the most eclectic neat little place with a really long wait, but boy is it worth it. We missed it the last time we were in NYC, stupid blizzard, but I know I will visit often if I get to move there!

My Favorite New York Places

Though I've only been four times (it seems like so much more) I certainly have some places that mean a lot to me for various reasons. I could probably go on and on, but I'm limiting this little mini series to my top five. Enjoy!

Me & NYC

I don't really remember when my love affair with New York started. Trust me over the last few days I have been racking my brain trying to figure it out. First I thought it might have been when I saw One Fine Day, and that certainly is a possibility, but I think it was a bit earlier than that and currently I am choosing to blame the Babysitters Club.

The book series, which I LOVED growing up, was set in Connecticut, but one character was from New York. In one of the "super specials" the girls all go to New York. I'm pretty sure this is when I fell in love. Or at least it's the earliest memory I can think of. I remember them talking about the Dakota and Rockefeller Center and FAO Schwartz, among others. There was just something magical about this big city.

I grew up in a relatively small town and personally grew up on 120 acres in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say I relied on books and my vivid imagination for entertainment. When I was 18 I moved to my college town (around 100,000 people) and was in heaven. No longer did I have to go pick up a pizza and then drive thirty minutes home...they delivered to me! Yes I realize how silly that sounds, but it is the small things in life. I instantly transformed from country girl (which never really fit my personality) to city girl. I love where I live, don't get me wrong, but there has always been something missing.

I spent my twenties rushing and waiting. I was rushing to catch up with the MWCs (married with children) by doing what I could to keep up: buying a house, getting a dog, joining the right clubs. Then I would wait on my Prince Charming to show up. I thought I had one snagged for awhile, but turned out to be a monumental disaster. He was fine and I was fine, but together we were NOT fine. I had "husband" on my checklist. I tried to make him into what I wanted him to be and if you've ever done that you know that it doesn't work at all. When that relationship ended I felt like I was thrown back to the starting gate. Single and 27, almost 28. I then started my Masters, which I will wrap up next spring. I'm very proud of this accomplishment and what I plan to do with it.

I am involved with an amazing organization, Junior League, and go to an amazing church. I want to start an amazing non profit and have high hopes for JL and church. I want to sit on the JL board and do a million other things in this town. Recently I have realized that I am trying to fill my life with all of these other things while I "wait" on my life (ie. husband and children) to start. I'm tired of rushing and waiting. I feel like I have all these goals on some checklist in my brain and I have to do them as quickly as possible. I don't. I feel like to matter around here I have to get married and have kids. I don't.

Throughout my undergrad I always wanted to move to New York, for one reason or another. Usually that reason involved moving far, far away from all my couple friends (because let me tell you, all my friends have been in a relationship since they came out of the womb it seems like). I wanted an escape from my reality because I didn't like my reality. Then something would come up and I would chicken out. Things would get better and I would change my mind. Or I didn't want to miss out on things, kids graduating, proms, football, and I wouldn't go.

So here I was stuck between a rock and a hard place: escaping versus missing out on things. I think after the last ten years of wishing I had gone I have finally grown up enough to realize that I can only take care of me and I can only please me and I can only make myself happy. I don't need to be at every single event for every child in my life. That's what cameras are for. People will not forget about me, that's what facebook, twitter and webcams are for.

I truly feel that what is best for me is to have an adventure, completely on my own. I need to explore the city on my own and be completely independent for the first time in my life.

Every time I visit New York as soon as I cross into Manhattan I feel like I'm home. When I am in the car driving back to the airport I feel like I am leaving a piece of myself and cannot wait to get back. Most people get to the end of a vacation and are ready to be home. Not me when it comes to New York. I got snowed in at Christmas last year, with bronchitis, and let me tell you how much I hate snow. I LOVED it there. I got to be a part of history! It was the worst snow storm in years and I was there. I find myself knowing about things happening in NYC and wanting to be there. I watch the Tonys and want to see all the shows. I see concerts that are happening in the park and I want to go. I see restaurants that are being featured on television and I want to try them.

I do have the worry that I have this vision of living in New York and that there is no way the reality can live up to it. I am fully aware of that. I know that it will be hard not having my support system there, but I make friends pretty easily and can adapt to wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. I will be trading in a 2000 square foot house with a pool and half an acre on a cul de saq for a tiny apartment. I won't be able to drive to release stress (but I also won't have to pay for gas!). There are a lot of things that will be different, but if I don't go after this one particular dream I know I will forever regret it. This is the one thing in my life that I have to do.

Tweets that Speak

Here are some of the tweets that I have retweeted in the last twenty-four hours. Hmmm...

Today - Something good is always coming around the corner but if you are too busy looking for something bad you may be distracted & miss it!

Your destiny is just waiting for you to SHOW UP.

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. -Margaret Mead

There is never a need to rush anything, if it’s meant to be, it will just happen!

Following all the rules leaves a completed checklist. Following your heart achieves a completed YOU.

Today: Your struggles & victories give others the courage to win their own battles. Don't hide them.

Sometimes in life you have to go against everything you thought you knew to receive everything that’s meant for you.

Obstacles are those frightening things that become visible when we take our eyes off our goals. - Henry Ford

I don't want to get to the end of my life & find I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. -Diane Ackerman

There's scrutiny in being less fearful. That's a hard lesson to learn.

To achieve anything great, you have to be willing to not just MAKE your own rules, but to also BREAK your own rules.

Signs

I'm a big believer in signs. Here is what we've had so far:

...an interesting turn of events today that I would rather not publish online
...a total change in my internship for grad school
...came home to watch Sweet Home Alabama, but couldn't find it and turned on Sex and the City on E! instead, it was my favorite single girl episode: A Woman's Right to Shoes
...after SATC I found When Harry Met Sally on, which is another of my favorite NYC movies

I'm sure there will be more, but so far that's what we've got (for twenty-four hours I would say that's not too shabby).

New York, Please...

Two days ago I turned thirty. Apparently that made me completely lose my mind. Monday night I was writing on my blog about turning thirty and what it meant to me. Basically I have a very positive attitude about it. My twenties did not end up being what I wanted them to be (college degree, marriage, babies, all done by thirty) so I am going to turn my thirties into the most amazing decade. If you want to read all my thoughts you can click here and see what I had to say.

One thing I wrote in that post was that I might live in NYC for awhile. When I was an undergrad I really wanted to move to New York. (I'll get to the background of NYC and me later.) At my birthday dinner my friends and I were talking and the subject of moving to New York came up. That night I was talking about moving for a month. I would use the extra money I get when I quit my job (more on that later too) and spend a month long vacation in New York. Completely doable.

The next day I was settled that a month in New York was going to be perfect. I had tons of friends that had already said they wanted to come visit. I came home and watched Sex and the City the movie, which I have a personal connection to (you got it, more later). I tweeted and posted on facebook: no. 1 thing that is bad to watch when you are contemplating moving to NYC: #sexandthecitythemovie

Very soon I got a tweet from a girl that used to be in musicals that I helped with from my home town, who is about to start her freshman year of college that she would be my roommate. I explained that it wouldn't be a permanent move, just a month or two (look, we've added a month already...). My friend Whitney, who moved to NYC when we were sophomores in college tweeted me asking if I was serious. I emailed her my little plan.

On the facebook front I received this comment from my best friend from home:
"You would love living in the city"
then a couple of hours later she said this:
"Not to play devils advocate here but we both know you won't ever be happy if you font give NYC a try... So here is what you do. You put your house on the market and if it sells there is your answer. Pack your bags and go apt hunting :)"
the other high school best friend chimed in with:
"I can so see you in the city! I agree with Crystal. You have always been great at trying new things."

I then chatted with Crystal for awhile and she said six months at least. Somehow this turned into a year.

So we sit here at going for a year. Of course there are several things that have to happen before this can happen. Luckily I am locked into grad school until May, so I have some time to get things sorted out. I have a Masters to finish, some debt to pay off, and a house to sell. I would have to arrange for someone to rent my house (because I am planning to come back), take care of my dog(s), and probably sell my car.

Prior to turning thirty I had a plan: become vested at my job (March), graduate (May), quit my job (September), and start an amazing non profit. I want to be on the Board of Directors for Junior League of Norman, I want to participate in Leadership Norman, I want to do a lot of things here, but I don't have to do any of these things NOW. There is nothing that I can't wait. Besides a few loose ends I really have nothing truly holding me back from this. I am not married and don't have kids, so this is the time to do it, if I want to ever do it, because those things tend to make having amazing adventures a little bit harder.

I have several friends in NYC and several scattered along the east coast, if I was to get homesick. I can transfer my membership to the Junior League of the City of New York if I want to, which would keep me active with JL.

There is no reason I cannot put off changing the world and making other people's dreams come true for a year to make my own dreams come true. It may not be the glamorous world of Sex and the City, but it would be a chance to explore a city that I love and be truly on my own for a little while in my life.

It would only be a year, and you can follow my preparations and journey right here...