Me & NYC

I don't really remember when my love affair with New York started. Trust me over the last few days I have been racking my brain trying to figure it out. First I thought it might have been when I saw One Fine Day, and that certainly is a possibility, but I think it was a bit earlier than that and currently I am choosing to blame the Babysitters Club.

The book series, which I LOVED growing up, was set in Connecticut, but one character was from New York. In one of the "super specials" the girls all go to New York. I'm pretty sure this is when I fell in love. Or at least it's the earliest memory I can think of. I remember them talking about the Dakota and Rockefeller Center and FAO Schwartz, among others. There was just something magical about this big city.

I grew up in a relatively small town and personally grew up on 120 acres in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say I relied on books and my vivid imagination for entertainment. When I was 18 I moved to my college town (around 100,000 people) and was in heaven. No longer did I have to go pick up a pizza and then drive thirty minutes home...they delivered to me! Yes I realize how silly that sounds, but it is the small things in life. I instantly transformed from country girl (which never really fit my personality) to city girl. I love where I live, don't get me wrong, but there has always been something missing.

I spent my twenties rushing and waiting. I was rushing to catch up with the MWCs (married with children) by doing what I could to keep up: buying a house, getting a dog, joining the right clubs. Then I would wait on my Prince Charming to show up. I thought I had one snagged for awhile, but turned out to be a monumental disaster. He was fine and I was fine, but together we were NOT fine. I had "husband" on my checklist. I tried to make him into what I wanted him to be and if you've ever done that you know that it doesn't work at all. When that relationship ended I felt like I was thrown back to the starting gate. Single and 27, almost 28. I then started my Masters, which I will wrap up next spring. I'm very proud of this accomplishment and what I plan to do with it.

I am involved with an amazing organization, Junior League, and go to an amazing church. I want to start an amazing non profit and have high hopes for JL and church. I want to sit on the JL board and do a million other things in this town. Recently I have realized that I am trying to fill my life with all of these other things while I "wait" on my life (ie. husband and children) to start. I'm tired of rushing and waiting. I feel like I have all these goals on some checklist in my brain and I have to do them as quickly as possible. I don't. I feel like to matter around here I have to get married and have kids. I don't.

Throughout my undergrad I always wanted to move to New York, for one reason or another. Usually that reason involved moving far, far away from all my couple friends (because let me tell you, all my friends have been in a relationship since they came out of the womb it seems like). I wanted an escape from my reality because I didn't like my reality. Then something would come up and I would chicken out. Things would get better and I would change my mind. Or I didn't want to miss out on things, kids graduating, proms, football, and I wouldn't go.

So here I was stuck between a rock and a hard place: escaping versus missing out on things. I think after the last ten years of wishing I had gone I have finally grown up enough to realize that I can only take care of me and I can only please me and I can only make myself happy. I don't need to be at every single event for every child in my life. That's what cameras are for. People will not forget about me, that's what facebook, twitter and webcams are for.

I truly feel that what is best for me is to have an adventure, completely on my own. I need to explore the city on my own and be completely independent for the first time in my life.

Every time I visit New York as soon as I cross into Manhattan I feel like I'm home. When I am in the car driving back to the airport I feel like I am leaving a piece of myself and cannot wait to get back. Most people get to the end of a vacation and are ready to be home. Not me when it comes to New York. I got snowed in at Christmas last year, with bronchitis, and let me tell you how much I hate snow. I LOVED it there. I got to be a part of history! It was the worst snow storm in years and I was there. I find myself knowing about things happening in NYC and wanting to be there. I watch the Tonys and want to see all the shows. I see concerts that are happening in the park and I want to go. I see restaurants that are being featured on television and I want to try them.

I do have the worry that I have this vision of living in New York and that there is no way the reality can live up to it. I am fully aware of that. I know that it will be hard not having my support system there, but I make friends pretty easily and can adapt to wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. I will be trading in a 2000 square foot house with a pool and half an acre on a cul de saq for a tiny apartment. I won't be able to drive to release stress (but I also won't have to pay for gas!). There are a lot of things that will be different, but if I don't go after this one particular dream I know I will forever regret it. This is the one thing in my life that I have to do.